Heartbreak part ii
The body
Heartbreak involves our thoughts and emotions, but what happens to our bodies?
It can be natural to invalidate the difficulty of recovering from heartbreak. One of the more common ways I hear this expressed is by diminishing the intensity of the experience - "it's just a feeling, I need to get over it. I was only with them for 6 months, why can't I get my life back together?"
Understanding what happens in our bodies when we do go through a separation from another person - or people - can create more room for healing. In some ways, it can allow us to give permission for recovery.
The Science
Author Florence Williams recently published "Heartbreak, A Personal and Scientific Journey", a book that gathers a great deal of research to explain why separation feels as bad as it does. I've highlighted a few major points here for us today.
The areas of the brain that light up during partner separation - and during reunion - are notably rich in opioid receptors.
People have a 23% risk of clinical depression following a breakup.
Lonely people tend to express more inflammation (that can lead to conditions such as diabetes) as their bodies prepare for fleeing and flighting
Studies show human neural networks take social pain very seriously, it shows up consistently in areas that are associated with deep human survival
People experiencing loneliness express a reduced ability to fight viruses, which are spread in groups
Research demonstrates that the brain knows we are physically close to someone through specialized nerve fibers under the skin - they respond to being caressed.
When this happens, human breathing slows, blood pressure drops, and muscles relax. Opioids and oxytocin are released, in turn activating dopamine and serotonin. The more these flow, the fewer stress hormones like cortisol are released.
Neuroscientist David Eagleman states, "people you love become a part of you - not just metaphorically, but physically. Your brain refashions itself around the expectation of their presence. Your heart rates and respiration speeds begin to synchronize. So do cortisol levels, which tend to align on mornings and evenings in couples who live together."
The Cells
What happens on a cellular level? Genomics researcher Steve Cole demonstrates that social connectedness - how emotionally and socially connected people feel to others - alters the activity of two key sets of genes in white blood cells. These turned into divergent immune responses, particularly with respect to viruses, bacteria, and inflammation. He believes that loneliness has been shown to be a significant risk factor for health and early death.
Cole explains,
"It shouldn't be surprising that our immune systems become implicated when we are emotionally crushed still, we don't expect it. We think the damage is all in our heads.
We think of relationship loss and isolation as pragmatic problems because we are overly cognitive beings. Our bodies want what they want, warmth and the feeling of being understood by a partner, and now it's not there. shock and panic set in."
How to Heal
Permission to recover
Wishing that healing from heartbreak would happen fast is very understandable, but not always the case. Compassion can be very empowering when considering what it takes for our bodies and minds to recover. Check out the book linked above for more information.
Thinking of all of you!
I offer sex and relationship therapy to support those coping with breakups and heartbreak in New York.